Sunday, March 22, 2009

Wrestle with God

Heads up: this is a self-indulgent post about me. I do this normally when mulling over something and wanting to be known.

I'm looking forward to graduation. Seminary has been a place and time of confusion, change, growth, and humility. I have loved it but know it is time to move on. But the "moving on" part is what I am struggling with.

When I think about the coming year I have been hit with a profound sense of loss. I will loose out on those classes, close professor relationships, intentional spiritual formation, and learning with my classmates. any given week when I am not in school (during a break or summer) my life goes on like normal. And I love it.

Rachel told me once that she thinks I'm one of the most balanced people she knows. Now that's probably a little inaccurate but I think it does speak some truth. I love my life and I love the bevy of connections and "things," I do in a given week.

Community dinner, Tuesday night at the pub, soccer games, Friday morning Bible study, church worship practice, small group, church house group, Sunday morning worship, Thursday prayer time. Not to metnion my great classes and place(s) of work.

What I take joy in the most is all of these people that color my life. They are amazing. Better yet, I live in an apartment complex with a bunch of my best friends and family members. I wouldn't trade this for anything, the chance to be surrounded by people I love. Unlike a lot of 20 somethings I'm actually quite content.

Although I'm content I am called elsewhere. My post-graduation plans will probably be delayed longer than originally thought (which is fine, because right now I am in no rush to move). But in my heart I know that I cannot stay here because God has called me somewhere else.

Where is that somewhere? I don't know. I'm still fighting and wrestling. Right now I'm looking east into the city. The scary part about that is two-fold.

First, it means the unknown. I have told God that I'm not going anywhere until he gives me people to go with. But I'm slowly realizing that might look a lot different than picking and choosing my friends to move with me.

Second, relocation means a period of mourning. It's never fun but it happens. If I get up and move towards the city everything changes. All those things I listed above will mostly disappear. The relationships will remain but they will drastically change. The "schedule," does disappear which requires adjustment.

Sure, moving means that I can find a new "church home." But I feel more and more led to help with a church start (missional, incarnational, intentional community, blah blah). Which means this "church home" doesn't exist yet! Further, I'm considering moving to a neighborhood in Chicago where I would be a major minority. In my life community has been the natural result of affinity (young adults, fellow soccer players, white people, seminary students, same church, common economic class, indie music lovers). So I am a bit daunted by finding community in a place where I have lack the quick levels of connection.

Looking over this post I realize it reads like a lament. But it isn't. It's more of a prayer. As P.T. Forsyth writes, "Prayer is wrestling with God." So I'm going to grapple and fight in that holy war. Eventually I'll loose and God's will be done. But I won't know that will if I don't cling to Him with my strength and weakness.

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